I was 23 weeks pregnant when i found out that you was really there you see id been havin problems after a biopsy i had after having your big brother jay. id had a positive result but did'nt believe it as jay was only 7 months old.i went for a scan and as soon as i saw you i feel in love. then came some horrible news the sonographer told me there was somthing wrong. i laid on the bed paralised with pain and numbness.i was sent home but was to go to univesity college hospital the next day. all i was told was they thought it was somthing called turners syndrome which was a gene disorder.whilst i was waiting to be seen i felt you move i got really excited i thought it ment you was alright and the hospital had got it wrong,then i was called in i had an indepth scan so they could see what was wrong.the doctor showed me that your heart lungs kidneys liver stomach and brain where all full of fluid i told him you had moved he told me it was an invoulentry reflex to the heart attack that you was having then he showed me your heart beating in a very irregular pattern.he then went on to tell me that you had been only the second worst case he had ever seen and he specilised in gene disorders and had seen people from all over the world. i then had to have an amneosyntesest test to be sure that it was turners syndrome and that you was a girl. i had this procedure but did not feel a thing i was still numb with pain and anger. i was then sent home with the knowledge that you was dying in there and there was nothing i could do i spent the next day crying in fear and anger {why was my beautiful baby girl being taken away from me}then that nigh as i lay in bed i felt you move again and i just got this strange feeling that you had gone. in the middle of the night i was woken up and before i opened my eyes i could feel someone watching me as i opened my eyes i saw a shadow of a little girl walking out the door. the next day when i went to the hospital they gave me a tablet that would loosen my cervix ready for you to be born the next day they said this tablet will kill your baby. i knew you had already died if you hadnt i dont think i could have taken it.i went home to your older brother and sister jay did,nt know what was happening he was only 7 and a half months old but beckie was 4 and she understood all of it she was brilliant she keept me going she needed to know excactly what was going on all the time and she always knew what to say like but she'll be better in heaven wont she mummy and we will still love her and i will tell her about jay and she will look over us all from heaven when she is an angel.{THANK YOU BECKIE WOO I LOVE YOU.}the next day i went in to hospital to give birth to you and nanny came with me daddy stayed at home with beckie and jay as he could'nt be there to see what he could never have hold cuddle and kiss he was hurting too much. i was only in labour very mildly for six and a half hours then you arrived you was born in the amniotic sac all curled up in the feotal position with your bum in the air. nanny could see you but i could'nt she wanted to pick you up but she didnt want to hurt you so we just waited for the nurse.the next day i was sent home then called back up to the hospital to collect photos of you and nanny and great nanny clacton wanted to see you. that was another hard decision i had to make.i knew i wasnt ready to see you because i was'nt allowed to hold you and if i was i would'nt be able to give you back but i had to think about regret of not seeing you later. i never have regreted it because i knew at the time i was'nt strong enough if i could see you now i would because now im ready. i looked at your photos when i got home and was alone i cried soo much for you it was the most pain i've ever felt. daddy looked at your photos alone too then we looked at them together and cried together at how beautiful you are and what would never be.one week later we went to your funeral thst the hospital arranged there was only the people that really mattered at your funeral they were mummy and daddy of course {beckie didnt want to come she felt she was too young.} nanny auntie clairy auntie emma auntie claire and mummies cousin mark. it was lovely and we buried you with the pink teddy flowers that mummy daddy beckie and jay got you. after the funeral we all went back to nannies and while we were there a teddy and some bibs arrived that nanny had brought for you i decided to keep them and make you a basket ful of your first things jay got you a dummy beckie put a bottle in it for you auntie claire got you a dress auntie clairy got you some shoes mummy and daddy got you abrush and comb set and a teething ring and some pretty frilly socks and mummies other friend angie got you a frilly hair band and auntie emma got you a braclete with your name on. over the years weve brought you so much you now have your own glass cabinet full of teddies dollies ornements make up jewlery photos and play doh models of your family which has grown. you now have 3 little brothers. you see you would be 13 now jay is 13 {there should have been 1 year and 1 week between you} beckie is 16 then theres ewan he is 10 then lyam he is 3 and last but not least theres baby morgan he is 6 months.ewan and lyam know all about you and love and miss you and have contrebuted to your cabinet and we will make sure morgan knows he has another older sister that would have spoilt him too if she could have.well thats the story of how you came to be an angel my beautiful little girl. i will always miss you and whish you was here with us but i will never stop buying you christmas presents and we will never ever forget you baby all my love sweet baby girl your ever loving mummy x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x